I believe that a passive-aggressive individual not only damages their own spirit by hiding their emotions, but also damages the spirit of the victim who is left confused and feeling insane after every interaction.
—Nancy Salmeron
For many years I was a victim of passive-aggressive behavior from others, and I did not know how to handle these individuals. I am proud to finally say that I no longer have the patience or desire to keep these individuals in my life. I may sound unsympathetic, but I had to minimize or eliminate my interactions with such individuals because they would make me feel insane. Passive-aggressive individuals make you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. They deny their feelings and are unaware that their body and facial expressions or actions are speaking louder than their words. If you ask them what is wrong as you see them sulk, they will say “Nothing.” When questioned if they are mad, they insist “I am not mad.” They say this even when they are seething inside, rather than being honest. Do you know anybody like this?
According to Psychology Today, passive-aggressive behavior includes procrastination, lack of follow-through, using the silent treatment, brooding, and feigning lack of knowledge. Passive- aggressive behavior is used by individuals who try to conceal anger and hostility by displaying behaviors that are the opposite of what they say. I am always empathetic to the reasons why individuals exhibit certain behavior. Individuals use passive-aggressive behavior as a shield because they have not learned how to deal honestly with their emotions. They were never taught how to express anger openly, honestly, and directly in relationships. Since they were never empowered to have a voice and were never encouraged to communicate their feelings by being assertive, these individuals use passive-aggressive behavior. I believe that a passive-aggressive individual not only damages their own spirit by hiding their emotions, but also damages the spirit of the victim who is left confused and feeling insane after every interaction. Passive-aggressive behavior consumes the perpetrator with hate, anger, and disappointment that settles and oozes out in subtle ways to the victim, who may be unaware of what he or she has done to deserve such behavior. Passive-aggressive individuals lack the courage to speak up about angry feelings because confrontation generally requires more skill than they have. By denying feelings of anger and disappointment and withdrawing from direct communication, a passive-aggressive individual casts themselves as a victim, while confusing others and making them feel like they are on an emotional roller coaster. Controlling someone else’s emotional response makes the passive-aggressive person feel more powerful, while the other person may feel crazy.
Here is how you can learn if you are dealing with a passive-aggressive individual and what to do about it.
The silent treatment.
Passive-aggressive individuals are very explicit when using the silent treatment. You may see them at a store and they may “accidentally” fail to acknowledge you. This may be random but when you ask them about it, they strongly deny it. You are then left wondering if it was deliberate or accidental. Or they may stop calling you for weeks and leave you wondering what you did wrong. When you ask them about it, they just tell you that they were very busy. Again, you won’t be able to know if it was deliberate or not.
The subtle, but sarcastic, insults.
We have all experienced direct insults, but subtle insults can be harder to recognize. You may feel that a friend was giving you a compliment, yet when you get a chance to think about it, you realize it was really an insult in disguise. I used to have a friend who used passive-aggressive behavior. She would tell me how she was proud that I was able to change my career and that if she had a husband who supported me like mine did, she could do the same thing. I was left confused about whether she was truly proud of me or jealous.
You feel crazy and confused.
If you have a significant other or friend that makes you feel crazy and confused you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive individual. The words that come out of their mouth do not match their body language and actions. They tell you nothing is wrong, but they won’t call or text you. They tell you they are fine, but you sense they feel rage. They deny even obvious, visible emotions that they have.
The best way I have found for myself to deal with passive-aggressive individuals is to diminish my contact with them or eliminate them from my life. Yes, it sounds very cutthroat, but I don’t have the time for or need their toxicity in my life. Fortunately, the closest people whom I love I don’t have this issue with, so it was not that difficult to distance myself from the passive-aggressive individuals who were in my life. However, if you have a family member or close friend you don’t want to lose, my first suggestion is to not point out their passive-aggressive behavior because at some level they know that they are doing it, and the behavior may escalate. My second suggestion is to learn to ignore the behavior and pretend you did not notice it. When you show them that it does not affect you, they may stop the behavior because there is no reaction from you. If ignoring their passive-aggressive behavior is not possible because of the way they affect you emotionally or psychologically, do what I did and distance yourself as much as you can. It’s your life and you only need people in it that empower you, have the courage to be honest with you, and make you feel amazing when you are with them. If this is not the case with some people, love and respect yourself a little bit more by showing passive-aggressive individuals the door. Until next time, Believe. Change. Become.
Sending many blessings and much love your way!
Nancy😊