“Yes, pain is uncomfortable and even seems unbearable at times,
but it will always transform you.”
—Nancy Salmeron
“Pain is inevitable in life, but happiness is a choice,” I told my friend as she shared that her marriage was coming to an end and that she was going to file for divorce.
“Choosing happiness is so much easier said than done,” she responded.
“So, let me say it again—pain is a part of life that we can’t stop from showing up, but we can invite happiness into our lives by seeking it. You have not been happy in this marriage for many years. In your heart you knew it was not going to last forever. Sometimes we invite happiness into our lives by letting go of what we wanted and embracing the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable, but how long we suffer is optional. I believe pain introduces us to change. I also believe that if you befriend your pain you can learn much about yourself and others. In a way, pain or discomfort makes you yearn for happiness and joy.”
“But how do I befriend pain?” she asked.
“You must give yourself the chance to grieve your divorce. A divorce is very much like a death. There were life dreams and goals in your marriage that did not come to fruition. If you want joy and happiness to be part of your life again, you must learn to face the pain. Listen to what the pain is telling you. When we ignore pain, it becomes an infected wound. Only by paying close attention to the pain and by learning from it can the wound heal. Learn to surrender to the pain and transform it into love for yourself. Invite joy in. Trust me when I tell you that ‘This too shall pass.’ A year from now life will be different for you. You will be grateful for what the pain of this divorce had to show you about yourself. You will discover how resilient and brave you are and will understand that this pain showed up to remind you that you can overcome anything that life brings to you. Be strong, my friend. Stay present, breath deeply, and take it a day at a time.”
“I will and thank you,” she said.
Here are some tips on how to handle your pain and welcome joy back into your life.
Be present with what you are feeling.
Check in with yourself. Notice and acknowledge your feelings. When you are beginning to feel an emotion—whether it is resentment, shame, sadness, or loneliness—examine where the feeling is coming from. Allow your feelings to rise and notice what sensations come up. Don’t try to control them. “It’s your party and you may cry if you want to,” as the oldies song goes. Speak to yourself as if you are speaking to someone you love. Tell yourself that you will be okay. The love you give to yourself will help you heal from pain faster.
Move your body and get out of your head.
When you have acknowledged your pain and given it some of your precious time, it’s time to bring some movement to your body. Try walking, jogging, or dancing. The key is to bring energy to something other than your brain or your thoughts. By moving your body, you are taking away the focus on the past or the future. Remember that most pain is caused by our thoughts of the past or our fear of the future. Stay in the present moment by focusing on a physical activity that will not only make you feel great but may also transform your body.
Stay still and breath.
When you are not able to exercise your body, try becoming present and breathing. Remind yourself that nothing is happening in the present moment. Breathing gently through your nose and into your heart releases a sense of peace and calm that may transform your pain. Breathing will always transport you to the present moment, which is the place where you may find some peace.
As human beings we are wired to seek happiness and joy. That is why we pursue dreams, goals, and passions. Yet, life is made of polarities. To savor joy, you must know pain. You can’t have joy all of the time. You must also welcome, embrace, and learn from pain. Pain has reminded me to be more grateful for my life. I am blessed to have the life I have. I understand that nothing is forever and the same applies to pain. The trick is to notice the pain and the emotions that show up without suppressing them. Don’t run away from your pain or ignore it; embrace and learn from it. Yes, pain is uncomfortable and seems unbearable at times, but it will always transform you. To overcome pain faster, remind yourself of the times you’ve successfully overcome adversity before. And remember, nothing is forever. This, too, shall pass.
Sending many blessings and much love your way!
Nancy😊