“If you seek control, you are submerged in fear.”
—Nancy Salmeron
A few days ago, my husband Carlos and I got into a very passionate argument about how controlling I can be. He mentioned that I get angry when things don’t go my way. I tried to convince him that I do not get angry when things don’t go my way. I simply have expectations and when my expectations are not being met, I feel it’s important to express my concerns. I yelled, “This is not controlling!” This heated argument made me think about the illusion of control. How much control do we really have over others? And why do we need to control others? I have high standards for what I desire in my life, and he is right that I have an issue when things don’t go my way in our relationship. I feel it’s important to address issues that disappoint me, and he feels that I want to control him. Maybe it is the illusion of control that has stumped me in our relationship. He is correct. I have strong expectations for what I want and can forget to ask him what his desires are. I am used to calling all the shots in our family, because he has given me that responsibility. I believe control is connected to fear. I feel the need to control aspects in my relationship with my husband, because I am under the illusion that everything will fall apart if I don’t. Fear is the culprit behind the illusion of control. Carlos is my best friend and at times my worst critic, yet I love my husband because he is wise and somehow always makes me reflect upon myself. He has seen me at my best and loves me at my worst. I am grateful to have him in my life, because he will always challenge me to grow. Today, let’s talk about how to be less controlling in our relationships.
Let go of fear and controlling behavior will disappear.
We fear that if we do not control every aspect of our lives we will somehow lose that false sense of security. When I feel that I must control my children or my husband, I am not trusting them. I must trust that they will do what is right and surrender all my expectations. Yes, it’s important to be clear on your desires but you only have control of what you personally do. I have no real power on how other people want to live. I can only influence others.
You can influence but never change another person.
When I met my husband, I believed that I was going to mold and change him into who I wanted him to be. But very quickly I realized that I needed to accept who he was and let him be free. There were more virtues that I loved about him than deal breakers, and this is why we are still together. As I discovered who I wanted to be in our relationship, I noticed that he was influenced by some of my ideas and I was influenced by some of his. When you understand who you are and are clear on what you believe, it’s important to express your beliefs. Let others know what you stand for and be of influence, but never force your beliefs on anybody. If you are in a relationship and honesty is something you value, you must demonstrate honesty and expect your partner to be honest. If they aren’t and this is deal breaker, why should you stick around?
When others control you, be willing to let them go.
Sometimes I may appear to be an insensitive person by suggesting that you need to eliminate those that cause you pain from your life, but I disagree. It is my belief that to be the best you can be you must first take care of yourself. You must love yourself first! In relationships your partner should complement you and never complete you. You are whole. You must be who you are, and they must be who they are. But if in the process they are hurting you, emotionally or physically, you must let them know, and never conform to who they want you to be. Letting others control us is as unhealthy as when we try to control others. Express yourself. If your partner loves you, they will be influenced to change whatever is causing you pain. If they don’t, you must be willing to let them go. Expressing what you desire and what virtues you hold dear is not being controlling. Find someone who speaks your language. Love people for who they are, but never justify negative behavior.
The only person you can control is yourself.
I can’t control what my husband thinks, says, or does; I must be okay with it. I have learned that I love him even if he is not perfect. In our most recent argument, he mentioned that there were a few things that he did not like about me, but he never wanted to change me. I told him that I felt the same way. I promised myself to be the change I want to see in my relationship. If there is something that is damaging in my relationship, I must first take control of my thoughts and views. I can recognize and let go of the fear that comes to my mind when things are not working my way, instead of acting in a controlling manner. I can control my negative thoughts and let them go. The good news is that you have the power to control everything that is happening within you. And it is not your responsibility to fix or control others.
In conclusion, control and fear are best friends. You can’t have one without the other. When I feel I must control someone or something in my life I ask myself, “What am I fearing?” I figure out what I am afraid of, I can let my fear go and then I no longer feel the need to control. As I continue to grow and evolve in my relationship with my husband, I have implemented the act of trusting. I trust that his intentions are good. I trust that he only desires the best for me and our family. He is free to be and do what he desires. I must trust that if I let go of the wheel we will make it to our destination okay. Let go of control and become who you want to be. Until next time, Believe. Change. Become.
Sending many blessings your way!
Nancy😊