“Embrace the concept that people and life will disappoint you,
but know, without a doubt, that all will be well.”
—Nancy Salmeron
When I was an innocent and naive young woman, I was under the illusion that I had to control everything and that, indeed, everything was under my control. Fortunately, with age comes wisdom, and I discovered that I have no real control over many things that show up in my life. I have no control over an unexpected illness, death, or the end of a relationship. You can’t force people to change or demand circumstances to change just to make you happy. You can’t control what others think or say about you. You can’t demand health and vitality for your loved ones and yourself. You can’t stop death from knocking at your door when its time to part from this world.
You seek control because the illusion of control makes you feel safe. You may want control because you may not want to be at the mercy of others. With the illusion of control, you may also hope for certainty and peace and calm within. Is it possible that one can let go of control and still have peace and calm? Can letting go of control contribute to a happier life? The answer is yes and yes! Being the creator of your life and wanting control over it is good—to a point. But if you go beyond that point, you can make yourself and others miserable. Today, let’s talk about how to lead a happier life by being less controlling.
Seek within to identify why you need to control people or things in your life.
The need to control is the result of anxiety or fear. If you seek to control a partner, your children, friends, or family, ask yourself what it is that you fear to lose if you don’t impose control on others. You may try to control other people’s behavior because you want to predict their behavior to avoid unpleasant or unsafe situations. You may feel that by controlling people in your life you have a better sense of what the outcome of events may be. In your defense, to seek control in others may be the result of a lack of trust that people will follow through with what they say they will do.
Accept what you can control.
The only power you have over people and events is your attitude about whom or what you want to control and how you react to an outcome. Accept that you have the power to control your emotions or the way you feel for someone or a situation. Accept that everyone is responsible for their behavior and how they react to you. Accept the idea that nobody controls your happiness but you. You react to and define the challenging moments in your life. Embrace the concept that people and life will disappoint you, but know, without a doubt, that all will be well.
Trust the process and know that all is well.
Our fears and anxieties contribute to the desire to want to control our external world and others. Trust yourself and the universe to give you what you need when you need it. Let go of the expectation you have in your mind about how things should work out. Let go of the idea that you need to predict how others will treat you in order to be happy. If someone is hurting you, be clear on how you expect to be treated, give them the benefit of the doubt, and set boundaries if you must.
One more time—let me remind you to seek within when you feel the need to control others in your life. Question what fears and anxieties come up to make you feel the need to control. Then accept that the only control you have is over YOURSELF. You can only control how you perceive a situation or others and how you react. Last, but not least, always trust the process. Know without a doubt that the universe is on your side and everything is under control. But if you still feel that you can’t control what life and others throw at you remember the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Also, remember who you are and know that you are strong and wise enough to handle anything and everything life brings you. Until next time, Believe. Change. Become.