When you are forgiving and compassionate with yourself and all of your emotions, you develop wisdom and courage.

—Nancy Salmeron

A few days ago, my daughter walked into my bedroom and asked me if everything was okay.

I asked her why she asked, and she said, “Because you look sad.”

“I thought I could fool you,” I told her.

She said, “Well, you can’t.” 

I told her I was feeling physically exhausted and mentally drained. I then explained that sadness is an emotion we need to feel, and it was understandable to feel sad in these very uncertain times. She said she also felt sad and it was because she missed her school and hanging out with her friends. We both agreed it was normal to feel sad, but we also agreed there were good things going on. And then I asked her for a favor.

I asked her not to tell her father that I was sad.

She asked, “Why?”

“Because I don’t want your father to get sad,” I replied.

And then she said something that made my heart stop. “Oh Mom, we all get sad when you get sad, and you can’t hide it!”

This broke my heart and put things into perspective. I had always assumed two things: one, that I could hide my emotions from my children and two, that they needed to be protected from my difficult emotions. Boy, was I wrong!

“Oh,” I said. “I am sorry you feel sad when I am sad. I guess that is why I want to hide it.”

She said, “You don’t have to hide it. Share with us why you are sad, just like you ask us to do with you. We promise to understand.”

I promised I would, and I assured her again that the emotions I was feeling were normal and as long as I acknowledged them and understood why I was feeling sad, they would pass. I hugged her and told her that I was the luckiest mom because I had her as my daughter.

This experience made me think about our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions and how to better handle them, especially our difficult emotions like sadness, grief, and fear. We welcome joy, love, and happiness and share them eagerly with others. But how vulnerable are you with your challenging emotions? Do you embrace them or suppress them? Today, I want to talk about how to deal with your emotions—how to feel all of your emotions, understand them, and transcend the ones that challenge you.

Welcome your difficult emotions with kindness.

Center yourself with a few deep breaths and connect inwardly to the emotion you are experiencing. Give it a name and allow it the space to simply be. Whatever it is that you are feeling, it is okay to feel that way. When I am feeling sad, I will say, “It’s been a while. Welcome, sadness. Hello, old friend.” Name the emotion that you are feeling and let it roam freely. Do not suppress the emotion or try to distract it.

Scan your body and feel where it hurts.

The mistake we make when dealing with our difficult emotions is that we want to ignore or suppress them. We also want to numb them by eating or drinking our sorrows away. Where in your body do you feel the pain and agony? Once you have identified where the pain is centered, feel and savor the emotion. If you cannot savor it, simply acknowledge it. My emotions are usually felt in my heart and stomach. Where do you feel the pain and discomfort of sadness, fear, or similar emotions?

Ask and listen to what your difficult emotion is trying to tell you.

Once you have welcomed your emotion kindly and sat with it and felt it in your body, ask it why it is there, and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Emotions are often triggered by life events that resemble something from the past. For example, if you are feeling neglected by your partner, perhaps this emotion may be connected to childhood trauma. Ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you. Is it reminding you of something you value or lost? Is it exaggerating a potential outcome based on earlier, unpleasant experiences?

Accept your challenging emotions, thank them for showing up, and walk them out the door.

Our emotions stem from the interpretation of our thoughts and beliefs. They are very real to us because they have stayed in our subconscious throughout our lives. When you are forgiving and compassionate with yourself and all of your emotions, you develop wisdom and courage. When we accept ourselves and our emotions, including those that are difficult or challenging, we have more clarity on how to deal with life situations calmly and with a better outcome.

I used to be incredibly good at suppressing my difficult emotions, like sadness and fear. I have improved, yet I still need help in being more vulnerable on how I show my emotions with the people that I love. Expressing my fears, sadness, and doubts teaches others that it is okay to be vulnerable. When you hide and suppress your emotions, you add more distress to your life in the long-term. The alternative is to welcome your emotions with kindness and identify where that emotion is coming from. Why do you hurt?  Listen to what the emotion is trying to tell you. Sit with it as long as you need to, and then show it the door. Until next time, don’t be afraid to feel and express your emotions, and don’t forget to Believe. Change. Become.