“Radical acceptance does not give you permission to become helpless. On the contrary, it gives you the ability to recognize the facts and not deny them to prevent you from becoming a victim of your circumstances.” —Nancy Salmeron

Life is challenging, but it becomes less challenging when you apply radical acceptance to life’s disappointments. “Radical acceptance” is a term coined by behavioral psychologist, Marsha M. Linehan, in 1993. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what we cannot, or choose not, to change. Radical acceptance means we welcome the challenging moments that show up in our lives, and we do not declare war with what is. When I think about radical acceptance, I think about how revolutionary this concept is. As human beings, we have been conditioned to believe that we must fight for peace. We declare war on the negative events in our lives. We battle life’s challenges. And we struggle to go against the current of life. As I think of radical acceptance, I see it as a revolutionary act of the soul. If the world tells us that we need to fight for peace, go against the current, and not accept or welcome disappointments in our lives, then it is revolutionary and radical to decide to accept what is. When we decide to have a revolutionary approach to life, by not fighting what is and embracing what comes, there is an evolution of the self. You see yourself differently. Radical acceptance does not mean that the pain of disappointment goes away instantly. The revolution happens when you can submerge yourself in the pain, and not desire for it to be different. Radical acceptance does not give you permission to become helpless. On the contrary, it gives you the ability to recognize the facts and not deny them to prevent you from becoming a victim of your circumstances. This does not mean that you approve of the wrongs in your life; it simply means that you cannot change the present facts, even if you do not like them. It means that you are acknowledging the negatives in your life to avoid the victim syndrome of thinking, “That’s not fair,” or “It shouldn’t be happening to me.” Instead, with radical acceptance, you may acknowledge the facts by saying, “It is what it is.” and “Okay, I accept what is, now what?” Today, let’s talk about some steps to take to become radical or revolutionary with our difficult situations.

Step One: Accept what is and let go of what you think should be happening.

When you reject reality, it does not change or make your existing reality better. When you reject what is happening, it makes that situation linger longer. When you refuse to accept reality, you get stuck in emotions that bring sadness, anger, shame, and bitterness. As I think about the times that I was unwilling to accept my reality, I realize that it took me longer to overcome obstacles. The[DM1] need to control everything in my life, made me lose control of my life. To recognize that many things in your life are out of your control and that this is okay, is to have a revolutionary view of life.

Step Two: Radical acceptance is not about giving up.

Radical acceptance means you recognize what you can change. There may be something you can still do to shift things around. You notice that changing you attitude about a situation diminishes the annoyance and discomfort of a situation. This does not mean you have to like the situation. It simply means you are willing to sit with a negative situation for a bit so that you can move forward in a more proactive way. When I encounter a situation that I can change, the change always involves me making a change or changing the way I see what is happening. It never involves changing another person or a life-altering event. My mantra is, “It is what it is, now what?” Then, I ask myself, “Is there a step in another direction I must take, or should I sit here for a while?” After making my decision, I let the situation go.

Step Three: Radical acceptance will allow disappointment, sadness, or grief to arise in you.

“It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to,” go the lyrics to an old song. Radical acceptance gives you the opportunity to acknowledge and cry for the loss, but it is important to not stay in the place of grief for too long. Yes, life includes pain and suffering, and we must acknowledge our grief. It is important to attend to and feel all our emotions, even the negative ones. Accepting these negative facts and feelings does not completely and totally relieve you from pain, but it will help you cope better with challenging situations.

In these very uncertain and difficult times, radical acceptance is a true gift for the evolution of the self. It is a revolutionary view to accept everything that comes to us. I know it is difficult in the beginning to welcome life’s challenges with open arms, but there must come a time that we at least open the door to the challenges in our lives. This does not mean that we must like the guest; it simply acknowledges that the situation is real. Radical acceptance will eliminate a sense of self-righteousness. Instead of asking, “Why me?” you will ask, “Why not me?” And you will be able to say, “I can handle this.” Radical acceptance does not mean that you are passive and unresponsive. Radical acceptance brings courage, patience, and perseverance. It is a revolutionary act. Until next time, Believe. Change. Become.